Love? I Flipped That Switch Off Years Ago & It's So Dark In Here I'm Not Sure If I Can Find My Way To Switch It Back On

I'm just not willing to be in Love right now. I don't really like Love.  Well, actually, Love doesn't like me.  OK, Love Hates Me!  Love can be as awful a feeling as it is beautiful.  Where are the blue birds that are suppose to be singing and flying carelessly around my head? Love don't always feel good, and when it does I'm amazed at how fast 8 minutes can fly by. Love is a distraction that I can't afford right now. Seriously. Love throws me off my game. It's like an ulcer slowly growing bigger by the hour. It's a cancer that starts in your heart then quickly spreads throughout your body until even your fingernails ache with affection. Being a writer and a candidate for some over paid therapist's couch, it's never a good thing to have someone in my mind space. While washing my hair here he comes, while flipping through the channels on the TV here he comes, crossing my mind like a string of previews before the start of the main movie. Oh God, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth just thinking about it!
No, I want to throw up but I can't because there is nothing in my stomach. I'm on a Love fast.  You know what that's like right? When you're so in Love that you can't even eat?  There is no appetite for food, just a steady consumption of thoughts, phone calls, and what if's. Who can eat after that? Eating requires thinking.  Your brain has to tell your mouth to chew and your esophagus to swallow. But not when you're in Love.  Your brain is otherwise preoccupied directing an orchestra of Love that is shooting off inside of you like fireworks on the fourth of July. The only person that you should ever devote that much time and attention to is Jesus Christ! 

Love is never satisfied. Never! Love always wants more than you intended to give. Love is all consuming. Love always takes over.  Love is a bully. It doesn't matter what space in your life you allot for it, it always wants more. Before you hang up the phone you ponder how long until the next call. Before he gets out of your driveway you wonder when he will be back. Nope, I don't like it!  

Love will make you write all of your stupid thoughts out in a word document like this one just so that they won't burst out of your chest. Love will make you not use periods at the end of your sentences because the flow doesn't stop in your head so why interrupt it on paper. I'm talking about the if I couldn't say a word I would just wave my hand type of Love, because you can't even explain why you feel this way.  I'm so not in Love right now! I'm. So. Not. In. Love. Love for me almost always ends bad. Really bad. I'm talking coming out of it needing therapy kind of bad!  Love is sneaky.  One day you can not even have established the fact that you even like the individual, then the next day you wake up in... I can't even say it because I'm. Not. In...  Anyway, Love hasn't lived here in a long time.  I don't even think I'm capable. Not for not being capable's sake, but because just like a light switch, I flipped that switch off years ago and it's been so dark in here that I'm not even sure that I can find my way to the switch to turn it back on. 

I need to be conditioned by God for Love.  What I now know is that without God there is no Real Love.  If I had let God teach me how to Love His way then maybe I wouldn't feel this way about Love. I wouldn't see Love as an unpleasant life altering event.  I only want to Love God's way. My way doesn't work and I know it. My way is painful. My way is maddening. My way is self-destructive.  My way is detrimental to my progress. I have to allow God to teach me how to Love according to His instructions in 1 Corinthians 13:4 - "vs.4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

Wow, I can't find myself anywhere in that description of Love.  So what does that tell me?  It tells me that without God there can be no True Love, for God is Love.  I now know that I don't have to search in darkness for the switch to turn on Love again in my heart.  All I have to do is connect to the source because a switch is irrelevant without access to the source of Power.  God is that source and Jesus is the Light!  So what I need a light switch for?  I'm Just Saying...