When Loving You Is Killing Me!

“Girl you gotta pull yourself together!”  Tammy said as she snatched the cover off of me.  I had not gotten out of the bed since the night Eric left, which was seven days ago.  I had a nervous breakdown!  Well, I don’t know how nervous it was but trust me, I was BROKE DOWN!
“You need to get out of that bed!” She yelled again.  “Girl look at you, your hair is a mess, you ain’t brushed your teeth in a week and you look like you stank! She said shaking her head in disgust.  She’s always yelling, why she don’t just leave.  I thought to myself.  I snatched the cover back from Tammy and buried my head under the cover.  I began to cry.  Again, a deep cry, the kind that rattles your soul.
“I just can’t do this right now.”  I pleaded with my friend through sobs.  "Please go away!  I’m so hurt Tammy, I haven’t even heard from Eric.  How could he do this?  How could he just leave me? Where is he?  Who is he with? What is he doing?”
Tammy looked at her friend, lying there seemingly in one piece yet broken into many.
“Honestly Ronnie, I don’t even know what to say.  I’m so mad at that sorry, no good excuse for a man.  He has some nerve!”
I held up my hand as if to say enough.  “Don’t do that Tammy!”  I warned, with fresh tears flowing down my face.  “He is my husband, and I love him!”  I screamed. If our friendship had not been built on a solid foundation and if it had not had all of those years behind it, she probably would have left me too.  I was so ugly.

Tammy sat on the edge of my bed.  “Listen Ronnie.” She said, with true compassion.
“I’m sorry.  I know that you love Eric.”  Tammy pauses, carefully choosing her words.  She doesn’t want to inflict any further pain on her fragile friend.
“But Ronnie, this is not love!  I’m sorry, but you need to hear this.  He is sorry and he is just using you.”  Tammy grabbed my arms and pulled me to a sitting position.  “Ronnie you deserve better.”
I looked questioningly at her.  I didn’t believe her.  My eyes slowly scanned across the room, finally focusing when I spotted my image in the mirror.  My mouth dropped open as I stared at the stranger in the mirror.  Seeing myself for the first time in a week I was in shock and disbelief at the image staring back at me.  Who is this pitiful looking woman?  Her hair dirty and wild.  Deep bags and dark circles competed for first place
under my eyes.  Zeroing in on the sadness in those eyes, I crawled slowly to the edge of the bed.
“Ronnie, what’s wrong?”  Tammy asked nervously.
I jumped from the bed, as if hit with a bolt of lightening and quickly moved closer to the mirror.
“I know those eyes.”  I whispered, moving even closer to the mirror and pointing at my image in the mirror.  Tammy starts to feel even more nervous and begins to wonder if maybe I had really had a nervous breakdown.  “I know those eyes.” I repeated, this time more loudly, frantically shaking my head.  For the first time in a week I started to regain a hold of myself.  As I looked in that mirror, at those eyes staring back at me looking full of pain, my mind flashed back and I began to realize where I had seen those pain filled eyes before.  “Those are my mother’s eyes.”  I stated with quiet tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.
“The eyes are the window to the soul.” I said to no one but me.  I reached out, I extended
my hand and I lovingly touched the reflection in the mirror.  I gently wiped the tears from my mother’s eyes, I mean from the reflection in the mirror.  No, I mean from my mother’s eyes. But this time she wasn’t crying tears for herself.  She was crying tears for me.
“Don’t worry Mama.” I said while still comforting the reflection.
“I’m o.k.”  I said with a tender smile on my face.
“Alright! Alright!”  Tammy yelled as she started nervously pacing back and forth.                                            
“Girl you are starting to scare me now!”                
With one last look at the mirror I turned and walked over to my friend, my best friend and gave her a big hug.
“Thanks girl.”  I said, smiling my sweetest smile.  Before she could even respond, I turned and walked out of the room and headed to the shower.
“O.K. God.”  Tammy prayed.  “I don’t know what just happened, but I know you do.  Please let that girl be o.k. because you know I ain’t equipped for no psycho stuff.”
Thirty minutes later I emerged from the shower a new creature.
“Well look at you!”  Tammy said, with a sincere look of surprise mixed with relief.  I sashayed into the kitchen where she had made a fresh pot of coffee, no doubt in anticipation of having to do night duty, a.k.a. suicide watch over me.

Tammy looked at Ronnie with amazement.  Ronnie’s hair and make-up is flawless and she is dressed in a black turtleneck, hip-hugger jeans and black leather stiletto boots.  Ronnie is a perfect size nine and beautiful, inside and out.  She could have any man she wanted, except for the one she wanted.  Tammy could not figure out why her friend dared to waist time on this one man.  That husband of hers needs to be hog tied and roasted as far as Tammy was concerned.  She’d kill him herself if she didn’t think that Ronnie would jump over into the coffin and go with him.

TK Jordan - Author/Playwright
tkjordanproductions@gmail.com